So, I am finding writing hard these days. So I put on cheerful African-American music, and let my mind go where it wants.

I been having many nights of nightmares. Mainly about sex, my stepdad and mum, being gaslighted, and general mental/physical violence.

I have few people to unload to download here in Devon.

I choose to not speak too much about the past these days, I want to enjoy and know my present.

I am trying to make a quiet and stable future, build a new life where it my choice what people know about me.

But back to the essence of my nightmares.

Most of these nightmares are focusing on being gaslighted.

I dream that I should see sex, however unwanted or violent it is, is for my own good.

I dream of being watched or force to perform sadist sex.

In some dreams, it framed as spiritual awakening , in others framed as educational.

In all my nightmares, I am fighting to be heard, seen or just to a human.

Voices in my dreams say I am a liar or just don’t understand.

Always when I wake I am sick, and it may several hours to re-enter the real world.

I guess these nightmares are a normal reaction to the trauma of surviving prostitution and childhood abuse. But, hell they are so relentless.

It hard to remember that everything is ok now, and will be in the future.

I am writing this for other exited women and our allies.

I thought you may going through similar. You may have advice or comfort in this difficult time.

Or with resources of graveyard humour, maybe jokes, music or clips from movies may help.

For instance, the title of this post is from a wonderful obscure soul record.

I feel like it getting hard to see the difference between the constant nightmares and the real world.

I need the stability of friendship and understanding of those who know trauma is real.

Please connect if you can.